Trickster Tipster Dec 06

Man City will beat Man United in the EPL this weekend, but does it really matter?


The answers to the EPL are in the palm of my hand.

 

In seasons past, I would have been excited to do the predictions for the Manchester derby.

 

But now, what does it really matter? Who cares if Manchester United defy the odds to beat Manchester City? Or if City end their neighbour’s four-match unbeaten run in the English Premier League (EPL)?

 

The fact is, Liverpool are going to win the EPL title this season. I’ve seen it in the way the stars are aligned, and I’ve seen it in the lines on the face of my Liverpool friend, which are now pointing up, rather than down.

 

So, the United vs City match will have little to no bearing on the EPL at all. Regardless, because I’m a professional, and because I need to pay my bills, I went ahead to do some Fengshui stuff to find out the outcome of the match. I won’t bore you with the details of what I did – all you need to know is it involved a heavily tattooed chicken, as well as life-size cut-outs of Pep Guardiola and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

 

Oh, and City will beat United 3-1. 

 

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Fitness Babe: Everton vs Chelsea

Fitness is life, the obese are lame. Without fitness, you can’t win the game!

 

Well, it was about time that lame Marco Silva got the sack. He wasn’t pulling his weight at Everton at all!

 

When you take a look at the Everton squad, you realise they are a very physical bunch. Best of all, Richarlison looks like a furless Red Panda, which is totally my favourite animal of all time. Not that it really matters in the grand scheme of things, but that’s a fun fact for you to know about me ;)

 

Anyway, I’ve heard so much about this thing called the ‘new manager bounce’? Something about having a new manager in charge giving players a bounce on the pitch? Bouncing around sure can help your fitness level, especially if that bounce comes from trampolining, so I do think that Everton will have the advantage over Chelsea.

 

I’m going for Everton to beat Chelsea 2-1.

 

Math Genius: Bournemouth vs Liverpool

(Statistics + algebra – probability) x me = 100% accurate EPL predictions.

 

Liverpool are now unbeaten in 32 games – a new club record – while Jurgen Klopp is now also the quickest Reds manager to hit 100 EPL wins.

 

In terms of simple statistics, Liverpool are outshining in every department. In their Merseyside derby against Everton, they recorded 59 per cent possession, made 501 passes with 81 per cent accuracy, and arguably more importantly, scored five goals to Everton’s two.

 

Based on my calculations, Liverpool have a 68 per cent chance of beating Bournemouth, while there’s only a slim 13 per cent chance of them suffering their first defeat of the season. Coincidentally, that is the exact percentage of wins and losses respectively that Liverpool have against Bournemouth.

 

But there’s no way Liverpool will lose this weekend. Take them to win 4-0.

 

Shady Hacker: Aston Villa vs Leicester City

You don’t know me. But I know you. And everything about the EPL too.

 

You might be surprised as to why I’m writing about this match. Well, don’t be – after all, Leicester City are genuine title contenders.

 

Or at least, that’s what Brendan Rodgers says to the painting of himself that’s hanging in his living room every morning before he heads out for training. But Rodgers’ confidence is rubbing off on his players, and it’s clear from my spy-cams that they now approach every training session with an air of swagger.

 

You might say pride usually comes before a fall, but you’d be wrong. Using your phone and not looking where you're walking comes before a fall. Pride just gives the one thing that Leicester players need to mount a title challenge: belief. 

 

And there are no expectations on them either, based on the conversations between Leicester fans that I’ve eavesdropped on. That’s a potent combination, so I’m confident that the Foxes will continue on their recent high and beat Aston Villa.

 

Back Leicester to win 2-0.

 

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