Here's the honest press release about Tottenham sacking Pochettino and hiring Mourinho
On sacking Mauricio Pochettino
The Club can today announce that Mauricio Pochettino and his coaching staff Jesus Perez, Miguel D’Agostino and Antoni Jimenez have been relieved of their duties, even though we’ve been planning this for one month. We tried to do this earlier, but that stupid Brendan Rodgers rebuffed us to stay at Leicester, just because Siao Mate Ivan Lim said that Leicester City should be everyone’s favourite second club. I mean, we are Tottenham, the almost-champions of Europe. What a bad decision by Rodgers.
And then we tried to do a Jurgen Klopp II by approaching Julian Nagelsmann, but can you believe he’d rather stay at RB Leipzig? This is a club with only 10 years of history and sure, they almost won the Bundesliga a couple of seasons back, but we almost won the Champions League just six months ago. Surely, we are a much better option.
So you see, we tried to sack Mauricio before the international break, but simply could not convince anyone to join us, which is surprising since we have the best stadium in the world.
Chairman, Daniel Levy, said: "We were extremely reluctant to make this change and it is not a decision the Board has taken lightly, nor in haste, and mostly because Mauricio’s compensation package was so damn large and the greedy bastard wanted to be fully compensated. The ingrate forgot that it was us who gave him a chance at the big stage and actually demanded to be paid what was contractually agreed upon. Surely, he forgot what a shrewd negotiator I am.
“Regrettably, domestic results at the end of last season and the beginning of this season have been extremely disappointing, and has nothing to do with how we never gave him the funds to buy the players he wanted, and let four key players contracts run down so that we would lose them next season for free.
“It falls to the Board to make the difficult decisions - this one made more so given the many memorable moments we have had with Mauricio and his coaching staff - but we do so in the Club's best interests, but mostly because someone had to take the fall for the poor results, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be me.
“Mauricio and his coaching staff will always be a part of our history. I have the utmost admiration for the manner in which he dealt with the difficult times away from a home ground whilst we built the new stadium, and for the warmth and positivity he brought to us, though not to me personally because first and foremost, I’m a businessman and there’s no place in the business world for warmth and positivity. I should like to thank him and his coaching staff for all they have contributed, but clearly, with an empty trophy cabinet over five years, they didn’t contribute enough. Nonetheless, they will always be welcome here, because if we can welcome Harry Redknapp, we can welcome anyone.
“We have a talented squad, if you ignore the fact that we will lose Toby Alderweireld, Jan Vertonghen, Danny Rose and Christian Eriksen by the end of this season. We need to re-energise and look to deliver a positive season for our supporters, and we’re sure sacking Pochettino is the right way to do that, even though sacking eight previous managers didn’t exactly fill up our trophy cabinet either. But you know me, if something doesn’t work, keep doing it until it works one day.”
We shall provide an update on new coaching staff in due course, which really is within 24 hours because, really, we’ve already signed him before we sacked Mauricio.
On hiring Jose Mourinho
We are delighted to announce the appointment of Jose Mourinho as Head Coach on a contract that runs until the end of the 2022/23 season, though given his track record, we’re gonna make a bet that he’ll probably be gone by 2021 after throwing media tantrums, blaming his players and also Chairman Daniel Levy for not giving him £1 billion to spend on buying players. But we’re very sure he can’t blame football heritage since these same players almost just won the Champions League.
Jose is one of the world’s most accomplished managers having won 25 senior trophies, and yes, the FA Community Shield counts as a major trophy. He is renowned for his tactical prowess and has managed FC Porto, Inter Milan, Chelsea, Real Madrid and Manchester United, mostly with a brand of football that induces sleep in opponents and spectators. He has won a domestic title in a record four different countries (Portugal, England, Italy and Spain) and is one of only three managers to have won the UEFA Champions League twice with two clubs, FC Porto in 2004 and Inter Milan in 2010. He is also a three-time Premier League Champion with Chelsea (2005, 2006, 2015).
We are also sure that him letting Mo Salah and Kevin De Bruyne leave Chelsea when he was boss there is not indicative of his ability to spot talent, so fans should not worry that he would sell Harry Kane and Son Heung Min. We think.
Commenting on the appointment, Chairman Daniel Levy said: “In Jose, we have one of the most successful managers in football, which is why he was third choice after three-time Manager of the Month Brendan Rodgers and possibly the new Jurgen Klopp Julian Nagelsmann. As you know, in proper governance, it’s always important to have three quotations, and that’s what we did. He has a wealth of experience, can inspire teams and is a great tactician, especially if you hate attractive football. He has won honours at every club he has coached, and rates getting second with Manchester United as his biggest achievement ever. Surely if he could get runners-up with that Man Utd team, we’d be champions in no time under his leadership. We believe he will bring energy and belief to the dressing room, if for no other reason that the comedic post-match press conferences he will have when he can’t turn Spurs’ fortunes around.”
Speaking on his appointment, Jose said: “I am excited to be joining a Club with such a great heritage and such passionate supporters. The quality in both the squad and the academy excites me. Working with these players is what has attracted me.”